Why? Oh, whoa is me! Now is the time to choose to ask the questions and turn from what you know or reserve yourself to prayer and praise and worship. I waivered. I know I did I felt it in the first few moments. I cried and screamed and wondered how it had gotten that far. I prayed it wasn’t true. I then had a choice to continue to falter or pick up my faith where I had dropped it moments ago. These are the defining moments that everyone talks about. What would you do? What Would Jesus Do?
I am no where near perfect nor will I ever claim to be. I have my weaknesses, my short comings if you will. This is the moment to dive in or forever turn till you hit rock bottom again. I have chosen to keep moving on the path to not drop my gauntlet and to push in deeper and harder than ever before. This is my long journey upward out of the ashes to rise and become stronger and wiser for it.
Flabbergasted is a good word to use. It doesn’t necessarily define it but it feels more like home if you will. More of an out casted word rarely used and that is much of how I feel. I am confused, torn, hurt, but I refuse to give up to anything the devil throws at us. It’s not just my journey and hasn’t been for a while but I very rarely venture
alone like I should. I tread water, I go under, I come back but sometimes the emptiness is so much that I disappear for painstaking minutes and hours and days at a time. I write this not for shame, glory, or to divulge things. I write this so you understand that I am like many of you. Many of you who have lost the good Faith fight or put down your armour or your weapon and have decided the world is easier to live in without the right or wrong.
The judgment that some lay on us and the guilt we feel when we have no where to turn festers and bubbles and oozes, this is when we lose faith, we lose a piece of ourselves. I couldn’t go back to not believing that is not an option for me. This is about not giving up when the first sign of the world crumbles around you and you are afraid your cries aren’t enough. They are enough, they are heard. What you choose to do in these moments and after will decide which path you continue down.
Mine has been overgrown with the occasional zig zag, a bed of grass there, and a pool of tears there. But I will always come back. I must it is not an option to falter and stay on the well worn path of destruction. My road has been dug up, muddied, with dirt up to my eyeballs. I like dirt I like that it is simple and it is not something that you have to break through to find what lies under like concrete. Yeah, there is an occasional rock or two and it gets muddy but that is half the allure. I need to connect back and see the blades of grass sprouting and the worms and bugs going about their life.
Without God these words wouldn’t be possible. They would pass through my mind like a flooded river and disappear into the cracks of life never to be seen again. I know that this is a season and that I am changing. I understand that there will be times that I blossom and others when I wither. But with Jesus I can never truly die. I will lay dormant inside still gathering the Word until it is time for me to bloom
again and it will all come spilling out of me like the sun across the plains of a wide open field.